


you have my permission not to love me

by problematiclesbian



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, There's also slight Morgan/Reid but I'm not gonna put it in the main tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-16 08:23:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15432927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/problematiclesbian/pseuds/problematiclesbian
Summary: JJ reaches out, curling her fingers around Emily’s, unclenching them. She stays silent, waits for Emily to continue while she runs her fingertips along the other woman’s palm. Emily feels the touch like a brand.“But secretly?” She takes a deep breath, exhales slow. Listens for a moment to the steady pace of JJ’s breathing. “I think a part of me always hoped it was all true, you know? That I’d find my soulmate someday. That it really would be worth it.”It takes a herculean effort for JJ to keep the heartbreak out of her voice. “Hoped?”“I…” Emily falters. She hesitates, licks her lips. She can’t bring herself to say it.“Emily..” JJ breathes in. Breathes out. Forces out the words: “Do you know who your soulmate is?”





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> basically canon compliant through season seven, except JJ and Will break up when JJ goes to work for the state department

_To be so lonely              you told yourself you liked to be this way_

_ & almost believed                                             it was true. _

* * *

 

“We have a new case.” Hotch announces to the team as they turn on their tablets. Garcia pulls up photos on the big screen as she names the victims.

The group begins to discuss the traits of the murderer, but something about the case bothers Emily, makes her pause.

The victims themselves have no connection; At least, not an obvious one. But Emily stares at the photos on the screen and feels a chill. She pulls her eyes away from the screen and meets JJ’s bright blue ones, just for a second, before darting away.

And that’s when she understand it.

“The victims aren’t his targets” Emily announces, horror in her voice as it dawns on her. “It’s the survivors. He’s killing their soulmates.”

 

* * *

 

Emily can remember very clearly when she first learned about soulmates in school. She’d come home from class that day so excited to talk to her mother about it.

The ambassador had lead her into her office, the dark one with the mahogany cabinets and the shelves full of expensive items Emily wasn’t allowed to touch. And her mother had explained to her that soulmate bonds were nothing more than a chemical trick, a weakness that a Prentiss could not afford to have.

You see, she’d told Emily in that sweetly condescending tone, once you met your soulmate, it hurt to be apart. The further apart you were from your partner you were, the worse you felt. First uneasy, then depressed, then physically ill. Time was also a factor, the longer you were far away, the worse it got, first just uneasy, then depressed, then physically sick until you couldn't get out of bed. The severity also depended on the strength of the bond. The strongest soulmate bonds, they’d feel sick more than a few miles away from their soulmate, while other soulmates could be states apart and still be okay.

Emily knew this part already. She had read ahead in the textbook under her desk about it, about how the closer you were to your soulmate, the better you felt. She read about the comfort and security you felt from just holding hands or being near your soulmate. People described it as their whole world shifting, the last puzzle piece being placed, like finally finding something you didn’t even know you were looking for.

Her mother had made it seem so obvious. To be so irrepressibly tied to one person, to let mere _emotion_ control your life like that? A Prentiss would never.

It was true, the elder Prentiss has admitted to her daughter, that there were people who had tried to ignore their bond and died because they were too far away from their soulmate for too long. But those people were weak. Foolish.

Emily had still been so young, young enough to not know when to quit. So even though her joy had been quashed, her hopes ruined, she still asked her mother if she had met her soulmate.

Elizabeth Prentiss would never answer that particular question. Instead, she had opened a drawer and showed her daughter the pills.  

 

* * *

 

The mood in the room becomes very grim. To purposely kill someone’s soulmate, to destroy the bond and the other person like that- the killer would have to be truly evil.

There was medication one could take that helped the negative effects of a separated bond, but it was mostly used for people who’s soulmates died after they met or for the rare one sided soulmate bonds. Even with medication, losing a soulmate is extremely hard for the partner, and many people never fully recovered.

“You’re right.” Morgan looks up from the papers glumly. Subconsciously, he reaches to his right to grasp Reid’s hand.

“If Prentiss is right, we’ll need to interview the significant others in Seattle. The unsub has already increased the time between kills, we need to act fast.”

Hotch nods at Reid’s statement.

“Wheels up in 30.”

* * *

 

The team files out of the conference room to grab their bags before they got on the plane. Morgan glances back and sees Prentiss still at the conference table. He leans back in the doorway.

“Hey Princess, what’s going on? You okay?”

Emily laughs half heartedly at the nickname. “Yeah, Morgan, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Derek pulls out the chair and sits down next to her. “You know I can tell when you’re lying, right?” When Emily doesn’t respond, he sighs. “Is it about the interpol offer? Because everyone would understand if you took the position. It’s a pretty sweet deal.”

“I already told them no.” Emily says flatly, still not looking at Morgan.

“And you’re upset about that? I’m sure we could call, they probably-”

“No.” Emily speaks quietly, and yet her voice still wavers for a moment as she’s unable to hide her anguish. Usually Emily’s emotions are an impenetrable wall, and that’s how Morgan knows something must be really wrong now.“I didn’t want it. But I know I couldn’t go. It’s too far.”

Morgan’s brow furrows, still confused as his gaze moves over his partner, trying to determine the source of her despair. “It’s just Europe. You’d only be a flight away. I know-“

“No, Morgan, you don’t understand.” Emily drops her hands flat onto the table to look him in the eyes. “It’s. Too. Far.”

Morgan blinks, slowly, as the meaning of Emily’s words sinks in. There was only one thing that truly limited how far they can travel. “Too far from who?” his voice is low. Unsteady. Broaching a topic they had never, ever discussed.

Emily drops her gaze back to her hands. She doesn’t answer.

“Emily.” Morgan never uses her first name. “Too far from who?”

The conference room is silent.

“JJ.” Emily exhales hard, presses her hands together to stop them from shaking. “It’s JJ.”

Morgan pulls back from his partner in shock, shaking his head immediately. “That’s impossible. Prentiss, you were in Paris for months while she was here. That distance alone would have-“ His mind reels. To be a continent apart from your soulmate? He couldn’t even fathom being away from Reid for so long, so far. The suffering, mental and physical- “Four thousand miles?? No one could survive that, not with the bond..” The thought of it makes him feel sick.

Emily just looks at him, her eyes heavy with all the emotion she usually keeps hidden. “I know. It almost killed me. That’s why I came back, even though it wasn’t safe. I-“ She shakes her head ruefully at herself as she remembers. “I had to see her, Morgan.” She looks up at him more desperately now, as though willing him to understand. “Those months. I’ve never felt anything like that. It was like I was being torn apart.”

Morgan pushes up from his seat and starts pacing. “Jesus Christ, Prentiss. Why would you do that? How could you? Does she know? Why would you put yourself through that?! What about how JJ must have felt?!!” His voice begins to rise, not because he’s angry, but because he’s upset. Morgan can barely comprehend the amount of suffering Emily and JJ must have been going through all those months, so far from each other. So alone.

“What choice did I have, Derek? I had to keep her safe!”

“And you think making the both of you suffer like that was the way to fix it?!”

Emily stills, her eyes fixed on the table now, her posture slumped and defeated. “You don’t understand. She doesn’t know, Morgan.”

She closes her eyes for a moment, as if willing herself to be okay. “And she never will. It’s a one sided bond.”

* * *

 

It was a school yard rumor, mostly. A horror story to whisper to your friends while you slept in a tent in the yard. One Sided Soul Bonds, they called them. JJ remembered she and her friends gossiping about it during a sleepover, the kind of thing you never said in the daylight where someone might hear you.

They weren’t common, but it was possible. Everyone had a soulmate, yes, but it wasn’t guaranteed that the person that was your soulmate also had you as a soulmate. If that was the case, the bond was declared one sided. Some could be sated by remaining friends with the soulmate, even without the reciprocated bond. But some people couldn’t bear the pain of watching their soulmate be with someone else. There were few things worse than a one sided bond.

Even though they were so rare, it was a common fear among JJ and peers, to discover that your soulmate didn’t feel the same way about you and never would. People still dated, still slept around and fell in love with people who weren’t their soulmates. But there had always been something undeniably romantic about the idea to JJ, the thought that she would someday love someone so much it hurt to be apart. And behind that idea, the ever lingering fear of finding out they might not love her back.

 

* * *

 

On the jet, JJ buries her face into Spencer’s shoulder, tries to control her breathing. “What am I gonna do, Spence?”

She can still feel the phantom ache from those months when Emily was in Paris. Spencer had consoled her all those nights, held her through all the fevers and shaking and despair. He’d been furious when Emily returned, furious to find out that JJ had known Emily was alive and still stayed away from her, put herself in all that pain. But JJ had refused to tell Emily, no matter what logic Spencer presented.

“JJ,” Spencers holds his friend while she panics over the news of Emily’s interpol offer. “The chances of a one sided bond are less than one in five million. That’s a .00000002 percent chance that Emily isn’t your soulmate. You have to tell her. What if she is, and all this time you’ve both been suffering for no reason?”

“You know I can’t.” JJ mumbles into Spencer’s shirt. “She doesn’t believe in soulmates. She was in Paris all that time and it didn’t even bother her. You know that.”

“I know how much better you feel when you’re near her.” Spencer pats JJ’s back awkwardly, doing his best to be comforting. “I know how bad it was when she went away. You’re her best friend. Even if she isn’t your soulmate, she’d still care about you, JJ. She’d understand and she would know she needed to stay closer-”

“I don’t want that!” JJ can feel herself about to cry. “God, Spence, I don’t want that, I don’t want her to feel trapped here because her stupid colleague is love with her. She’d want nothing to do with me! And I couldn’t handle that, you know I couldn’t.”

This, Spencer does know. He had been so afraid for his friend during those bad months. If Emily left again, it might destroy her.

“It will be okay.” He pulls JJ closer now as she begins to cry. “It will all be okay.” But Spencer thinks of all the statistics he knows about one sided bonds, and he knows his words are a lie.

 

* * *

 


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of the chapter is flashbacks and they are NOT in order so like.... good luck!!!!!

_I can give you my loneliness, my darkness, the hunger of my heart_

_I am trying to bribe you with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat._

* * *

 

The team steps off the jet into the pouring rain of Washington.

“Pathetic fallacy…” Emily murmurs to herself. She already dislikes this case. Of course, part of the uneasiness may be because she and JJ had separated as soon as they landed, with Hotch and JJ going to the police headquarters to set up and Emily and Morgan driving out to inspect the crime scene. Or whatever was left of it in this storm.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Morgan’s voice is light and teasing, but Emily knows if she could see his eyes behind those dark sunglasses, she’d see the concern. She knows he’s probably racking his brain trying to figure out how he didn’t notice this sooner. Her friends may be profilers, but Emily is nothing if not an expert at hiding her own emotions.

“When have I ever wanted to talk about feelings?”

Morgan tilts his head to acknowledge her point. “Hey, when you joined this team, you were a lot more closed off. It’s nice to see you let your guard occasionally.”

“I think we should just focus on the case.”

Morgan takes his eyes off the rain pounding their windshield to glance at his partner. “It’s okay to have feelings, you know.”

Emily scoffs under her breath. “Not in my experience.”

Morgan has more to say, but they pull up next to the circle of police cars and personal drama has to be set aside as they open their umbrellas and step out to inspect the damage.

 

.

.

 

JJ lets out a sigh of relief when she sees Emily and Derek return from the police station, shaking the water off their clothes.

“It’s really coming down out there,” Derek comments as they toss their umbrellas to the side and join Reid, Rossi, Hotch, and JJ at the table.

“Garcia, what’ve you got?” Hotch puts the phone in the middle of the table so they can all hear.

As Garcia updates the team, JJ gazes at Emily across the table. Her hair is still dripping, and JJ’s eyes trace a drop of rain as it falls onto Emily’s collarbone and runs down under her shirt.

JJ flushes and reverts her gaze to the papers in front of her.

Emily glances up through her eyelashes, her gaze softening when it lands on JJ. Then she blinks, as if she’s remembered she’s not supposed to be doing that, and looks back down with a frown.

Rossi, watching both agents from the head of the table, smirks.

 

.

.

 

After the briefing, the team splits up again to interview the spouses of the victims.

Emily sits down with one of the partners of the victim. “Can you think of any reason someone might want to hurt you or Sarah?”

The woman across from from Emily is trembling.

Outside the interview room, Hotch and JJ stand with their arms crossed.

“I don’t think she’ll be able to tell us anything.” Hotch muses.

“She’s lost her whole world…” JJ murmurs.

Inside the room, the woman is sobbing. “How could anyone do this? I’m never going to see them again. It feels like…” She gazes up at Emily with haunted eyes. “It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Can you even imagine what that’s like?”

Emily resists the urge to turn back and look through the glass to where JJ is standing.

“Yes,” she murmurs, “I can.”

* * *

FLASHBACKS

 

Emily knew she was fucked the minute she walked into the BAU and met the press liaison.

She sort of suspected, in the back of her mind, there had to be a reason she felt so strongly that she needed to be part of the BAU, why she’d tried so hard to get in. But somehow it was still a shock, the moment JJ had interrupted Emily and Hotch in his office. It had been as if time had stopped, exactly like every cliche, every bad rom com she’d ever seen. The blonde had only glanced at her, but she felt the gaze hit her like a punch to the gut.

That’s what truly made her wait up in Hotch’s office when they returned, more than the desire to prove herself, more than the drive to be part of the BAU; the aching burn in her chest that arrived the minute Jennifer Jareau walked out of the room, and that wouldn’t go away until Emily saw her again.

 

JJ remembers it like it was yesterday, the indescribable emotion that overwhelmed her the moment she stuck her head into Hotch’s office on that fateful day. She’d ducked back out of the office, pressing herself against the wall as she tried to calm her suddenly speeding heart.

She remembered, with sudden clarity, her first days back at school after the death of her sister. Still partly numb with shock, she didn’t understand how everyone could be walking around like it was just another day when the world had been so irrevocably altered. Could no one else feel how different things were? Was she alone?

JJ has spent the entire briefing glancing towards the doorway, hoping Emily would burst through, or at least be waiting when she exited. But when they filed out of the conference room to get their stuff before the flight, the hall was empty.

And, JJ would realize later, sitting in her car and trying to cope with the inexplicable sadness that was hitting her, she should have known. She should have known Emily wasn’t waiting for her, because she had felt the cold sweep through her the moment Emily left.

 

.

.

 

But Emily was a Prentiss. She really had tried to resist the bond. It was just chemicals, Emily told herself. She was stronger than that.

But somewhere along the line, between the late night cases and hushed conversations on the jet and lunches and girls nights and every second spent with Jennifer Jareau, Emily fell in love with her. Plain and simple. She couldn’t blame the bond, she couldn’t blame close quarters or adrenaline or the stress of the job; she just fell in love.

They’d all been out at the bar one night after a tough case in Los Angeles. The bar had been full and hot; the heat of the masses of bodies writhing together, the music so loud conversation was impossible. Emily was sneaking back in after stepping outside for a cigarette. She’d been momentarily overwhelmed, by the heat and the noise and the sheer number of people, and her eyes had scanned over the crowd, searching. Searching for what?

Undirected and unintentional, Emily’s eyes found JJ’s across the dance floor. It was fucking immediate: like the eye of the storm, everything just faded out until it was just herself and JJ. It was just a split second, a moment, before the mass of people shifts and obscured her vision. But Emily had looked into JJ’s eyes and _knew_ \- beyond any soulmate bond or anything her mother had told her or any bullshit that life could offer - Emily knew she was in love with Jennifer Jareau.

* * *

 

Why hadn’t she said anything?

If Emily was well and truly drunk, sometimes, maybe, she would let herself think about it. She would go back, back to that first moment at the BAU, but this time, she would run out the door after the blonde, she would kiss her, hold her, say something, _anything_.

Instead she stays absolutely silent, like a coward.

But at her lowest moments, Emily let herself believe. She believed that JJ would hold her, would pull her into her arms and feel the same thrill that Emily felt. She would play back those moments, the glances, the way JJ just seemed to _know_ Emily more than anyone else ever had.

But then Will had come along and Emily knew, regardless of any bond or pain she’d feel, that she would never stand in the way of JJ’s happiness. And when Will had left her (because he’d found his soulmate, JJ had told Emily), Emily had still stayed silent. Because she saw how listless and distracted JJ was after the breakup, and she told herself she could never be the one to do that to JJ. It was _better_ for JJ if Emily kept her distance.

And Emily keeps telling herself this, and repeating it to herself, and when JJ leaves, she stays silent.

  

.

.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us it was just a backstop?” is what she says, but what Emily wants to say is “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”

But, of course, she knows why. JJ doesn’t owe her anything, and there was no way for the blonde to know her absence would break Emily’s heart.

Emily still has nightmares about the panic that coursed through her when the team learned of JJ’s transfer.

At first she’d been confused. The stabbing pains, the all consuming despair that had filled her. The Pentagon wasn’t that far from the BAU, she shouldn’t have felt JJ’s absence like _this_. It was near impossible, to continue working like nothing was wrong, to even show up to work when the misery and fever ate away at her.

So Emily did something she had never done before, something she never thought she’d do. She called her mother and asked her to pull some strings.

And when Emily finds out about the plan in Afghanistan, it’s not even a surprise. Only 7,000 miles of distance could explain this never ending ache, this JJ shaped hole in her world.

It’s almost, although she never admitted this to anyone and never will, it’s almost a relief to Emily, when Ian Doyle finds her. When she wakes up in that hospital room, after everything, for a few seconds she believes she’s dead, and she’s _relieved_ , because at least the suffering has stopped.

But when Emily looks to her bedside, she sees, of course, the one person who takes all that suffering away. And it’s ineffable, the serenity that washes over Emily the moment she sees JJ slumped in that uncomfortable hospital chair, reunited with her soulmate once again.

 

.

.

 

“What the fuck are these, JJ?”

When JJ sees Will standing there, gripping the bottle of pills in one hand, she doesn’t feel anything but tired.

“Will, please…” She presses her fingers to her forehead as if that will stave off the impending headache, although she knows the only thing that can really make her feel better is Emily.

“Tell me the truth now, Jennifer!” The way he spits her name at her makes her sick. “Who is it?”

“Will,” she tries to keep her voice low for the sake of Henry sleeping in the other room, “it doesn’t matter. You know I love you, and this whole soulmates thing, it’s just-“

Will cuts her off by slamming the bottle to the ground, pills flying off in every direction.

“I thought you loved me.”

“I do, of course I do, Will….” but JJ doesn’t finish her sentence, she doesn’t say what she knows is the truth: she can’t (and won’t) love anyone the way she loves Emily. 

When Will pushes past her and storms out of the house, she doesn’t follow.

When Emily asks, later, what happened between her and Will, JJ lies.

 

.

.

 

It might be less difficult if Emily wasn’t so damn inscrutable. Every time JJ thinks she might know how the brunette feels, she encounters another mask, another wall, another carefully crafted facade. Luckily, Jennifer Jareau is not easily discouraged. Especially not when it comes to her soulmate. It frustrates JJ, it drives her crazy, how she can’t get enough of Emily Prentiss; but she never gives up. 

She ~~needs~~ wants to know if Emily sleeps with her socks on or off, if she likes toppings on her pizza better than just cheese, if she cries during sad movies or prefers something lighter. And sometimes, after the really rough cases, she looks at Emily and she wants to know if her soulmate would take JJ into her arms and hold her gently, tell her everything’s gonna be okay, or if Emily would kiss her instead, hard, with teeth and tongue, kiss her, and then fuck her until JJ can’t even remember the horrors they’ve seen. She wants to know if Emily can feel the heat when they touch, the intoxicating rush she gets just from being near her.

She wants to know if Emily loves her as much as she loves Emily. 

* * *

 

Emily is laying in her bed in Paris and she can’t fucking move. She can’t fucking breathe, the pain is so much, so intense. She twists, grabs for her phone and dials the only number she can think of.

“This is Agent Jareau.”

“JJ.” In spite of the pain, the phantom pressure on her chest, Emily smiles, her fondness leaking into her tone. “Hi.”

“Emily!” JJ hopes she doesn’t sound as breathless as she feels. It’s crazy to her, how quickly she feels the pain sap away at the sound of Emily’s voice. “Hi.”

“How are you?”

They make small talk, discussing what Emily’s missed at the BAU, how Paris is. But it’s delicate, a balance where they avoid talking about the important things

Eventually the conversation fades out and they just lay there in a comfortable silence.

“I miss the team…” Emily turns over onto her side. “... I miss you.” She always promises herself she won’t be so annoyingly sentimental when she calls, but she can’t help it.

JJ bites her lip to stop herself from grinning stupidly at the admission. “I miss you, too.”

“Do you really?” Emily nearly smacks herself in the forehead with her phone. She didn’t mean to say that out loud.

If only she knew, JJ thinks. “Of course... Henry misses you too.” she tacks on, letting the seriousness of the moment pass.

Emily lets out a soft laugh at that. “I think he just misses the candy I let him have.”

“Okay, well that maaay be a part of it.” JJ feels the warmth in her chest at the memory of Emily and her son playing together.  

When Emily finally hangs up, it’s hours before the creeping anguish sneaks back into her heart.

 

In the harsh light of the morning, doubled over her toilet, Emily picks up the phone.

“Hotch,” She stares into the toilet, struggles not to cough up more blood. “I need to come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quote from the last chapter was by Natalie Wee, from ‘(Suicide Letter In) Parts, 2010′  
> quote at the beginning of this chapter is from "Two English Poems" by Jorge Luis Borges
> 
> btw i appreciate the people who commented, I know this is a v small fandom and seeing that a couple of you are reading encourages me to edit and post the next chapter

**Author's Note:**

> find me at emilyprentissjareau.tumblr.com  
> title from LETTER FROM MY BRAIN TO MY HEART by Rachel Mckibbens  
>  _You have my permission not to love me;_  
>  _I am a cathedral of deadbolts_  
>  _and I’d rather burn myself down_  
>  _than change the locks._


End file.
